A Visit From St. Nick?

An adaptation of A Visit From St. Nick, by Clark Moore, adapted for the OUCA blog

'Twas the night before Christmas, when in Number 10;

A creature awakened:  it was the PM.

A year of toiling, and going from here to there,

In hopes that at some point the voter would care.

The ministers huddled, all placing bets;

On what in the shuffle each one o‘ them gets.  

Brexit delivered, Labour in disarray,

We had all hoped, for a long time, to stay.

And all of a sudden such talk of sleaze 

Creates worry about doing with ease.

The television was put on quite fast

T’was said we would be rid of, at last.

Some irreverent teen and a man with a sign

Kept shouting at no-one for them to resign

And then was revealed as camera panned 

The shadow cabinet - quite the band!

And just round the back, with his tie half undone,

A specter: Corbyn; now isn’t that fun…

Thinking his policies would make him top guy,

Then on the night, just a hint of a cry,

"Now, Taxes! now, Unions! now Make it the Government’s!

On, Schooling! on, Scotland! on, Loving the Soviets!”

The victory was quite substantial because 

All that he thought, no-one would endorse.

But now that he’s gone and New Labour is back

Days will be spent so as to not get the sack.

Starmer has started to siege Downing Street,

And though some say he has shot both his feet,

Complacency brings it’s own ball and chain,

And in the end is how giants get slain.

So we got to thinking and put heads our together,

To come up with something and didn’t know whether

The people would like it and think that we’re great,

Or think it is terrible, and of us dead weight.

And then from the chancellor came one idea,

One sure he was that the people would cheer:

“We just give them free stuff, as simple as that;

Look at this rabbit I pulled out of my hat.”

A voice said “We’re Tories! Don’t betray your ideals;

No free lunches exist, and we cut the school meals.

The problem’s not policy, it’s just how it’s told;

I’ll change half the wording – soon you’ll be sold.

What if I told you that business’ support 

Would bring bigger markets, and the news would report

Economic expansion, like they used to before - 

Wouldn’t you think we’d be elected once more?”

A reply of “You did it! A wizard indeed!

After all, what you need to succeed 

Is a lack of backbone, so we’ll flip and we’ll flop -

Just play both sides – and we’ll come out on top.”

They’d done it, so victorious, they all sat down relaxed,

Well, all but the chancellor, as he had climaxed.

Now as we turn to the merry Christmas cheer,

We must all think of what we hold dear.

For all of these people it is you of no doubt,

Well, and the lobbyists who pressure and shout,

So with that I leave you, so you can then –

“Be merry, it’s Christmas, and sod number 10!”

Juan Davila (The Political Officer, Ex-Treasurer, Ex-Political Officer, Ex-Social Sec, Ex-International Rep) is a third year reading Engineering Science at St. John’s College